The Art of Giving in the Land of Smiles

I remember when our family first moved into a Thai village, I would be so amazed at the hospitality shown by our neighbors because besides greeting us regularly with their bright smiles, they would also bring food over or give us a part of what they bought or harvested. If you know me well, you know the way to my heart is through my stomach. This is a really good community I would tell my wife.

One of those Banana Choc Chip bread my wife baked for our neighbors.

But what surprised me more is how my wife would respond to these delicious gestures. After we finished the neighbor’s cooking, she would wash their dishes and return those dishes with something she baked or fruits she bought. She would never return the neighbor’s dish empty without giving something back in return. 

As I continue to observe and learn about the Thai life, I realized that this exchange of dishes is not just a friendly gesture of ‘welcome to the village’. If we get to grasp the underlying theory that drives these actions, we open our eyes as foreigners to be more sensitive to respond appropriately to social interactions within a Thai community.

THAI RECIPROCITY

Thai society is an extensive network of relationships governed by a strong sense of hierarchal belonging. Because of that, harmonious relationships are highly valued within a community. Which makes basic person to person interactions within relationships of paramount importance in Thai society.

There is then an unseen law of duty and obligation that binds a person to another in everyday life. And there are varied forms, good and bad, of expressing this law in Thai society. This unseen law, I would like to call ‘The Law of Thai Reciprocity’.

The law of Thai reciprocity not only identifies and sets the status within relationships, it also helps to mark the existence of a particular relationship. It gives life within a network of relationships.

Personal Pronouns & Titles

This law of Thai reciprocity necessitates the knowing of one’s place and status within a particular relationship. This is why the Thais are not shy about asking personal questions when meeting strangers or new acquaintances. Unless it is clear to them, these questions help the Thais to ascertain how they should address one another. Addressing one another rightly within that sphere of relationship is an expression of Thai reciprocation. This can be challenging for foreigners learning Thai because there are numerous ways for personal pronouns and titles in the Thai Language. “I” and “You” can be rendered in many ways depending on the type of relationship in that conversation.

For example:
My wife is known to her students as Khruu Kul (teacher Kul).
To kids in the village as Mae Kul (mother Kul).
To her elders as Nong Kul (younger Kul).
To those younger as Phii Kul (elder Kul).
In formal occasions as Khun Kul (Mrs Kul).

Wai

An infographic teaching Thai youths the appropriate way to offer wai to people of different status. (cr.ธนาคารธนชาติ)

Another familiar expression of the law of Thai reciprocity is the Wai gesture in Thai greetings. The Wai consist of having both palms pressed together and sometimes with a slight bow, is both a sign of greeting and respect. It is driven by the law of Thai reciprocity because the type of Wai given and received, determines the identity and status within that particular relationship. Therefore, an older person never Wais a younger person first. A person of higher status never Wais a person of lower status first. The higher the hand raised in a Wai and the lower the bow of the head, the more respect is shown.

THE ART OF GIVING

Just as language and cultural gestures are a reflection of the law of Thai reciprocity. The very act of giving, receiving and giving back (I call it the art of giving) is also an important form of social symbol or ‘ritual’, demonstrating clearly the law of Thai reciprocity. Learning the art of giving is a valuable skill because it has the power to stop or upkeep interactions between relationships.

When our neighbors gifted us with food when we first arrived in the village, they are marking the existence of a new relationship. When we return that delicious gesture with a gift of our own, we are acknowledging that particular relationship with them. And the act of giving continues to keep the relationship alive.

The same reason why the amount given in a monetary gift for a Thai wedding is important. These monetary gifts would be remembered and recorded along with the family name that gifted it. So one would know for future wedding attendance within one’s extensive network of relationships, what is the appropriate amount to give in return as a reflection of one’s status within that particular relationship.

Also, it is vital to understand that help or service provided within a relationship is never a one-off event. It is never done and forgotten. It builds into the spiraling interaction of that particular relationship. There is then a relational duty to remember and work towards reciprocating that favor or help once offered. A failure of which to respond appropriately would definitely hurt interpersonal relations. 

The process of reciprocation through giving can be in many forms and in different context, not necessarily only through physical gifts. It can be by acts of service, prayers, monetary help, returning favors etc. All these forms of giving help to mark, build and identify one another’s status within the hierarchy of that relationship.

ON A SIDE NOTE

Through my experiences, many of us when we render help in Thai society, we fail to acknowledge the reality of the law of Thai reciprocity. Remember there is no one-off giving. Every help and gift offered binds a person to another. It can either strengthen that relationship or it can form an unnecessary obligation. Any form of giving immediately marks the type of relationship in play. Sadly, many times the relationship we have with locals fall into one of Patron-Client relationship.

The truth is, the way we give in a context  governed by the law of Thai reciprocity along with a strong sense of hierarchical belonging, makes it hard to cultivate authentic friendships in Thailand.

Many of us know that relationships are important in Thailand. It is navigating through these relationships that may prove challenging. Understanding the law of Thai reciprocity is important in our social interactions in Thailand because it is a driving influence in the social cultural domain of Thai life. But more than that, the law of Thai reciprocity also transfers itself into the moral-religious domain of the Thai life. Which I hope to write more in my next post.